


there's a hole in my soul

by haipollai



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Freckles, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-22
Updated: 2013-11-22
Packaged: 2018-01-02 09:17:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1055072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haipollai/pseuds/haipollai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It brings back memories Bucky has forced away, of being curled up in bed and tracing them with his fingers and tongue. He remembers the taste of Steve's skin. Salty sweat in the summer and the press of long thin fingers to keep each other close in the winter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there's a hole in my soul

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this](http://stevebucky-fest.dreamwidth.org/307.html?thread=371251#cmt371251) prompt on the stevebucky prompt meme. Someone should still art the thing though >.>

Bucky avoids Steve after they return to camp. Everyone wants to hear about Captain America but Bucky wants to lose himself in a strong drink. He hopes he'll get sent out on some new mission, something to take him far away.

Instead days drift by in camp. He's sent to the infirmary for a check up but there are other men hurt worse and Bucky doesn't take off his shirt to show the bruises or the needle marks.

No one needs to worry about that.

Instead of being allowed back out, he's given leave with a bunch of other men and told in two days he'll be on his way back to London. 

Steve is kept busy with meetings and new fans so it's easy for Bucky to at least be elsewhere. Dum Dum finds him because Dum Dum is more stubborn than a mule and better at reading people than he'll let on. He doesn't press though and doesn't say anything as Bucky tries to clean mud out of his gun. Eventually he gives up, the mud doesn't seem to be getting out and is instead creeping into his boots and under his shirt.

He excuses himself to go grab a shower. He keeps his head under the weak stream, keeping his eyes closed so he doesn't have to look at the new scars over his body. New York is a lifetime ago and Bucky still doesn't know who he is now. Hasn't had a reason to figure it out until Steve Rogers came marching into a Hydra factory, insistent on being a damn hero.

Bucky doesn't feel refreshed as he turns off the water and reaches for a towel.

He turns to see an unfamiliar back paired with a familiar profile. He hadn't realized Steve was there, though knowing Steve, he knew Bucky was. But hadn't said anything. It hurts but Bucky knows it's his own fault, he's been avoiding Steve so of course Steve would pretend not to see him. Bucky isn't sure if he's grateful or not for how damn considerate Steve can be.

Still is, despite changing so much.

Bucky's eyes linger, sliding over Steve's jaw line and down his neck and back. There are freckles over his neck and shoulders. It brings back memories Bucky has forced away, of being curled up in bed and tracing them with his fingers and tongue. He remembers the taste of Steve's skin. Salty sweat in the summer and the press of long thin fingers to keep each other close in the winter.

It's so familiar that Bucky panics and runs. He grips the towel tightly around him so no one sees his arousal. The cold mud constantly around them ruins it anyway. Maybe it's for the best they're sending him to London. Get him out of the mud.

He doesn't see Steve the next day, or on the trip back to London. But instead of it making him feel better it only makes it worse. He thinks of those freckles on Steve's shoulders. The smile Steve flashed him on the march back. All the little things that showed that despite all the differences he was the same man Bucky had known. Bucky needs to talk to him, to tell him that he's been a jackass but Steve isn't around.

Dum Dum drags him to a small hotel along with some of the other soldiers who had been in Austria. Bucky crashes as soon as he's pushed into a bed and doesn't wake up until someone knocks on his door hours later.

He's still in his uniform, he'd only managed to get his boots off before falling asleep. The person is still knocking so Bucky manages to get to his feet and shuffles to the door.

"Steve?" He rubs at his eyes, trying to wake up. He vaguely remembers nightmares, tossing and turning.

"Hey uh I want to talk. I have a meeting with Colonel Phillips but-" 

Bucky shuffles back a few steps and gestures Steve inside. "It's a lot to take in you know. The bigness. The being here."

"Bucky-"

He blames it on being still partly asleep, but he grabs Steve by the front of his uniform and kisses him. After a second Steve's hands - so much bigger - come to rest on his hips and pull Bucky closer. "You're still the same damn person aren't you? Fuck Steve. I saw you and you're in meetings with the Colonel and that pretty dame and where the fuck do I fit?"

"With me. You always fit with me." Steve smiles against Bucky's lips. "I thought you hated me."

"I was an idiot."

"That's nothing new."

Bucky smiles tightly and runs his hands over Steve's chest, feeling muscles that were never there before. Steve lets him touch but they both know it's not enough. They need to feel each other like they used to. "How long do we have?"

"Not enough time. Meeting- I need to ask you to think about something."

"Just think?"

"They want me to lead an elite team back into Europe, go behind enemy lines. I want you on that team." He touches his forehead to Bucky's and for a second they stand like that, Bucky lets his eyes close and for once in the darkness, doesn't picture the table in Austria. "I'll be back soon. We can talk more?"

"We better be doing way more than talking Rogers."

"Talking first."

-

The bed in the room is small, too small really for the two of them. But the black out curtains make it impossible to see much and Bucky uses it as an excuse to press as close as possible.

He wants to see the freckles on Steve's shoulders. The ones that taste of sweat and cheap soap and another lifetime.

"What are you doing?" Steve mumbles, face pressed into the pillow.

Bucky smiles against his skin, he thinks he's going to like this new Steve. He doesn't need to worry about the cold, about something that Bucky can't see killing Steve. This time he can truly do something to protect him. "I'm enjoying our leave." He trails kisses up to Steve's neck. "Is that ok?"

"Please, don't stop."

He presses closer, sliding one hand around Steve's waist, lightly scratching at his stomach. Steve sighs softly and presses back against him. Bucky doesn't stop his kisses to Steve's shoulders and neck, to Steve's freckles. His little piece of normal.

-

Bucky stares out over the water, Tony had let them borrow his house on Long Island for a long weekend away. It's beautiful out, the sun is warm. Bucky's down to swim trunks with his feet dangling over the edge of the boat launch. It still feels uncomfortable, his scars exposed, the arm visible, but there's no one around except for Steve and Steve knows his crimes.

Steve is in the water, he had been swimming but now floats, eyes closed against the sun. They've been there for two days now, nothing but lounging in the sun, drinking and fucking.

"Come up here."

Steve's eyes crack open and he moves so he's treading water. "Why don't you come down here?"

"Don't want to rust the arm."

Steve pouts but swims over to the ladder, hauling himself up. His skin glistens from the water and he plops himself down next to Bucky with a loud smack. "Hey beautiful," he whispers, leaning in to press a kiss to the skin behind Bucky's ear.

"Thought you didn't know how to talk to girls." He twists to catch Steve's lips, his real hand lightly cupping Steve's cheek.

"You've always been special Buck." His forehead rests against Bucky's, eyes closing again. So incredibly trusting Bucky could be sick.

Very gently, Bucky touches his fingertips to the faint freckles that have shown up on Steve's cheeks since summer began. They've become more visible over the weekend, since Bucky refused to let Steve bring the cowl along, not even for sex. He traces a pattern in them, creating his own constellations over Steve's skin.

"Tickles," Steve mumbles. "What are you doing?"

"Tracing your freckles."

The path leads him down over Steve's neck to his shoulders and with a slight nudge, Bucky gets Steve to lie down on the dock. Steve smiles up at him, looking sleepy and content. Bucky wishes they could stay there forever, away from whoever would be trying to kill them this week. Other soldiers got to go home when the war ended. He ducks his head to press his lips to Steve's collarbone and then to a freckle by his Adam's Apple. He can feel the vibration when Steve sighs.

"Wish we could stay here," Steve mumbles, curling one arm over Bucky's shoulders, not constricting, just looking for more skin to touch.

Bucky smiles against Steve's shoulder. "Fight's not over."

"Never will be." He props himself up on an elbow and looks down at him. "Bucky-"

"Not running away."

Steve smiles and settles back down on the wood. Bucky's not sure he can explain how leaving Steve would destroy him. He's been Bucky's balance for too long for Bucky to know how to see himself without Steve. He kisses Steve's freckles again, now warmed from the sun.


End file.
